July 22, 12:21 p.m. Bangkok, Thailand.

jenna.

and me.

i was really excited about the aquarium b/c i wanted to see all the jellyfish. jenna led the way so she can do all the talking and hopefully get me that thai discount. but the lady, being a bitch and charged me full. and i didn’t care b/c i wanted to see jellyfish! but they conveniently decided not to tell us till the very end that the jellyfish exhibit was closed. LAME! you can also pay about $200 to swim with the sharks but no one wanted to do that with me. also, i thought $200 was too expensive. the lady was eagerly trying to get me to do it. and then i asked her if i could punch the sharks and she kind of didn’t know how to respond.

i'm really excited.

this is how i'm going to smile for the rest of the trip.

pretty fishies.

creepy ugly fish.

anyway, we’ve been to three different flea markets now and i’ve been going nuts over all the cute clothes. they have booths with reconstructed vintage dresses, architectural-ish harem pants and oddly structured layering shirts, etc. etc. etc. all so cute. and all for so cheap! my main and only obstacle is that i’m a fat cow. since most of the clothes are custom/hand made, they carry clothes in one size. and i am evidently, way too fat. it’s so depressing. i wanted this harem pant/romper thing but i couldn’t even get my foot through. to which kanu said, “angela, this place is not for people like you. this place is for skinny people.”

thank you, kanu for stating the obvious.

therefore, i have to resort to shopping for rings, shoes and bracelets. like a fat girl. i then went and ate my sorrows in my new favorite thai dish. some meat noodle soup. it’s like pho but tastier.

flea market sign.

so i met kanu, corlid, jenna, adit and apple 5 years ago on my first trip to thailand. they were still in school and their gang of friends were active and pretty popular within their department (forming a boy band, hosting talent shows, putting on plays, etc.). they’ve graduated since then and even though they all live in bangkok, they rarely get to hang out together (last time they all saw each other was several years ago). so it was cool to see them together again.

(l-r) jenna, kanu, apple, adit.

July 22, 1:22 a.m., Bangkok, Thailand.

There is a guy behind Angela and me in the Internet cafe watching two separate webcam chats of dudes jerking off.

I’m going to bed.

July 22, 12:38 a.m., Bangkok, Thailand.

frannns!

We arrived in Bangkok (finally) yesterday afternoon. Just kind of loafed around until the three of us met Khalid in some square near the tourist area of Bangkok. Khalid and Jenna really wanted pizza, so we went along with them. ‘Troy’ was playing on the TV next to us and we ordered lasagna and a cheese, anchovie, capers and something else pizza. Per the usual, I got a tall Singha.

The food came out and the first thing that I said was, “That’s not lasagna.” It turned out to taste just like it looked, but the Thais were happy. I just drank my beer.

We wandered around the area a bit before stopping by a pretty cool spot where Khalid and Jenna seemed to know everyone. The plan was that we’d all go out on Monday night, so we looked to keep the drinking going.

Thailand has a problem with drinking though. There is no good liquor in this country. And if they do have anything, nobody knows how to make a drink. If they have the right ingredients and you tattoo the fucking recipe on the bartender’s face, you still have to order from the menu. And then, after you finally make a decision about whatever vodka or whiskey-based cocktail that they can actually somehow concoct, it takes a half hour to get the goddamn thing.

So they didn’t have anything that I asked for at this spot that seemed otherwise charming. They didn’t even have tonic water or club soda. I just settled on a Jack and Coke. So, a few minutes later, I get a glass of ice, a couple shots of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Coke. I’m under the impression that, if it doesn’t have chile or curry in it, the country might just be lost.

We left this place, met up with Kanu and drove around in a cab looking for some place to go. We ended up on this street with a whole bunch of night clubs that turned out to be completely empty but love to give free stuff to foreigners to get them to come in (NOTED). So then we took another cab to Happy Mondays, which worked out well, considering that it was Monday.

There, we drank. I had to order from the menu, so I just got a screwdriver. It wasn’t even made with actual orange juice. We had a few cocktails, took some shots, ate whatever they could make in the microwave because the kitchen was closed. Everybody but Khalid got pretty drunk, though my tolerance level brought me back down to sobreity quickly enough. It was nice to actually find a spot to settle into and Khalid’s verbal lashing of the Kanu’s drunken posturing kept us entertained.

happy little boy shawn.

"kanu, we want to be cool like you. we want to be like jackson 5 but we will be kanu 5. but you die first because you're michael." - corlid.

jenna, our host.

corlid and me and my northern thai mountain hat.

(l-r) corlid, me, kanu and shawn.

happy mondays, happy me.

Because of this, most everybody woke up late. One of the fans broke in the middle of the night, so it was pretty hot. Also, Angela was weeping in her sleep and yelled, though I was the only one that woke up from it. There’s an Internet cafe right next to Jenna’s apartment, so we spent way too much time in here uploading photos. When we finally left, it was around 4 and we arrived at the Central World Market, which is this behemoth of a shopping area in the center of the city. We met Kanu and Adit there. I had my first Mos Burger. It was good, but it was small and didn’t fill me up. Also, the finished wrapper looks like a dirty diaper.

We headed over to the aquarium. To get in, it cost 850 baht, which seemed like a lot considering I wasn’t especially interested in seeing fish. Our guides told us that the sign that we couldn’t read actually said that admittance for Thai people was 450B. That’s just messed up.

I didn’t want to go and my back has been tweaking out, so Angela and Jenna went alone. Kanu and Adit looked into seeing a movie, which they didn’t, and I got a massage.

We went to some night market afterward and loafed around in a coffee shop. We met Apple there. Just sat and talked. Really, I just wrote a lot of words in a tired stupor and we didn’t do much today. Compared to the other ridiculous crap that we’ve been doing, it was tame. Actually glad about that.

 Tomorrow, we’re heading west for waterfalls, mountains and hot springs. Also, I don’t think I have any diseases yet.

fyi: thais have really low alcohol tolerance.

July 21, 3:30 p.m., Bangkok, Thailand.

it’s nice to have shawn around b/c he attracts all the mosquitoes. therefore, i am bite-free.

shawn's leg.

July 20, 11:00 a.m., Chonburi, Thailand.

various meats on sticks. all delicious.

the making of hoi-tod. starts with an egg.

then some vegetables and seafood are added.

then some old lady mixes it all up.

our table full of wonderful food.

After the zoo, we went to a walking street market/flea market. Most of the stuff being sold were either handmade or “vintage” like old cameras and hipster glass frames. there were also A LOT of food vendors as well. i got my fill of hoi-turd (i don’t know how it’s spelled). it’s basically a seafood omelette with bean sprouts and some other green unidentifiable vegetables. and it’s so so so so good. for dessert i had roti (don’t know how it’s spelled either) which is like a thai version of crepe. it was good. i’m going to find potato balls to eat for breakfast today. OH YEAH. i also got my nails did. a girl handpainted tiger prints on my nails and jeweled them as well. jealous?

there were tons of old crap that silverlake kids would go gaga over.

lady painting my nails.

i feel like we’ve already done so much and that we’ve been here for a long time now. but it hasn’t even been a full week yet and we haven’t even explored bangkok. today we are going to JJ market and then back to jenna’s hometown to do laundry and chill out for a bit and do some massive photo uploading. then it’s off to bangkok again. hopefully by the next post we will have photos up as well.

July 19, 1:26 p.m. Sriracha, Thailand.

tiger zoo!

we went to a tiger zoo. where we HELD A BABY TIGER. also at the zoo they had a crocodile farm. and you can help a croc out of it’s shell by peeling it. we just watched b/c it looked gross.

white baby tiger. this one was freaking out.

this one was my favorite.

shawn and i holding a BABY TIGER.

i really like this photo. it sums up all our excitement.

croc eggs.

baby crocs.

easily one of the dumbest looking animals. ever.

oh yeah. and the two times i’ve seen a black person here, it has been pretty racist. the first was in pattaya on that seedy strip where all the hookers hang out. he was playing reggae music in one of the restaurants. the second was the most racist thing ever (and i have a photo to prove it). it was at the tiger zoo. and there was a black guy and a black girl in the zoo. not at, but IN. as in, they were behind the glass as one of the attractions. they were wearing the traditional racist african garb (just some tiger print cloth) and the male was smiling and posing while holding a tiger leash and the female had her arms crossed and looked pretty pissed. and people were taking pictures! (myself included but for far different reasons). a lot of things ran through my mind. things like do THEY know this is racist? or how do you even find a position like that? the only thing john and i can come up with is that the girl is actually very well educated with a degree in anthropology and she submitted her resume to the zoo for some field and they said “we have the perfect position for you!” and now she’s really mad.

racism?

‘Nobody’ and Link Baiting

This song is everywhere. It is impossible to escape.

Also, because of this post, the top search referrer to the blog today is “video of vagina shooting ping pong balls”. Stay classy, world.

July 19, 2:30 p.m., Sriracha, Thailand

So something I previously did not mention. After arriving in the hourlong boatride back to land, we took a taxi to Pattaya. I was exhausted, listened to some music on my iPhone for a bit and ended up turning it off to save the battery. The driver, an older man, also was playing an awesome mixtape of his creation that included Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and other 90s easy listening legends. I packed up my things in a hurry when we arrived at our hotel. Angela and Jenna were already out of the car and I was a bit dazed from the nap.

There didn’t seem to be any problem.

Around 3 a.m., after the ping pong affair, I went to charge my phone. But there was a problem. I didn’t have the damn thing. We turned over the room, but it was gone. And the most likely scenario was that it was left in some random taxi somewhere out there. Pop champagne.

The next day, our host Jenna called the resort that we stayed at.

They gave her a number to a business next to the taxi station, which was just off the pier.

That got her a number of one of the drivers that works the spot.

Who then gave us the number to the actual driver.

One thing I’ve learned about the Thai language is that you can’t really tell if things are going well or poorly. I sat there, watching Jenna talk to the cab driver, waiting for some kind of change of inflection. All I kept hearing was “ka pee” (which evidently means, “yes, sir” or something).

Then she hung up. Put her hands up in the air and gave Angela and me a triumphant “I got it!”

I was more stunned than anything. The plan was that the guy was going to drive to Sriracha from where he was, TWO AND A HALF HOURS AWAY, and give it to me. He met us at the tiger zoo (more on that after the day is done) and I gave him 2,000 baht for the fare and his troubles.

I’ve got to hit up a fricken’ casino or something.

July 18, 1:31 a.m. Pattaya, Thailand.

alright, there really are no words to fully express what i experienced, but here’s a feeble attempt at it. so. an hour ride back to the mainland and an hour ride to pattaya. we entertained the idea of seeing a ping pong show (google it). and while the idea and novelty of  it was amusing and funny, the actual act of seeking out a show to watch women shoot ping pong balls out of their vaginas is entirely different. i was really nervous and we almost didn’t do it, but i mean, when and where else will we ever be able to see something like that. shawn and i justified it by telling ourselves that it would be for the blog. for true purposes of SATA, we felt it was necessary to see it. we didn’t want to see it. we needed to see it.

in pattaya, there’s a large strip of bright neon lights and scantily dressed women, much like vegas.  i’m literally sick to my stomch by all the white male/thai female “couples” walking the street and the fake affection shared between them (i’m currently typing this at an internet cafe where i am charged by the minute, so i will elaborate on this later). in thailand, instead of a red light district, they have a pink light district. by the way, i am thoroughly disgusted by the number of children i saw here. why. why. why. why.

among all the things being sold, there are men who have pieces of paper with diagrams of sexual poses and you can pick out which one you want. serious. anyway. the ping pong show. it seemed “modest” at first. there was about six women dancing on a white stage with random disco laser lights flitting about. we were seated against the wall on some white leather seats and ordered a few beers. after the room filled up a bit, the show began. first we saw an older woman shove a marker into her vagina and write , “Welcome to Illusions”, the name of the seedy “bar”. then, we saw a girl, dressed as a hawaiian hulu dancer, pull out a long string of fake hawaiian flowers out of her vag… and ever so fittingly, to a jason mraz song. great. then another girl lit two cigarettes in her hoohaa and proceeded to blow smoke from them. next, the same older woman returned to present the show’s namesake: shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina and into a cup. then another girl came up, leaning against a column on her back, shoved a peeled banana into her vagina, shot it out, caught it and did it several more times. although this in itself was bad. the real disgusting part of it all was how easily she was able to stick it in there. that. and the noise that it made as the banana shot out. it literally sounded like smacking. during this, another girl went around handing out balloons to viewers (which i declined) in preparation for the next act. another girl took the stage. she shoved a dart into a metal rod which then went into her vagina. then proceeded to shoot every balloon that was handed out. up to this point i was really sad/disgusted about the whole situation but after this. i was kind of impressed. please note that two of the acts were performed to two michael jackson songs. then the cranberries’ “zombie” started to play. and a girl went on stage and proceeded to push/pull out a string of RAZORBLADES out of her vagina. and i’m not talking about just a single razor blade. i’m talking about a good 30-40. it was… for a lack of a better word, mind-blowing. there were also acts where the two younger women played a horn and a whistle in succession and the final one where the older one smashed a ping pong ball by violently humping the ground and popping it inside the confines of her experienced crevice. she also hurt, of all places, her left foot during the episode, ending the whole endeavor by literally punching the injured appendage over and over as if to remedy the injury and then limping off stage.

i didn’t want to get killed or sold as a $2 ping pong spitting whore. so i didn’t take photos. instead i discreetly recorded some videos of women/ladyboys out on the street. i’ll upload that when we get back on Sunday. i’ll probably edit this post to make it a bit less nonsensical (if that’s possible) later.

oh yeah. on a more pleasant note i had my first mos burger today and it was delicious.

July 17, 2:46 p.m., Samed Island, Thailand.

monks on the beach early in the morning.

a recap of last night. particularly that one part of last night. after eating and drinking on the beach for 4+ hours, our waitress invites to go to another end of the island known as “gay bay.” i’m pretty tired at this point but our hosts are excited to go as well as shawn, who took a hour and a half nap in between our dinner. i don’t want to be rude, despite the fact that i’m not all that excited about getting drunk at a third world country notorious for their kathoeys and high AIDS rate. esp. if it’s at a place called “gay bay.” but i go. we are led in this back alleyway and we aboard a truck taxi where we ride on perhaps the most bumpiest car ride of our lives. or at least mine. a drunken shawn hums the jurassic park and i’m holding on for dear life.

upon arrival. we enter a packed club with a live cover band with a setlist including Black Eyed Peas, Rhianna, Red Hot Chili Peppers and an intense rendition of Linkin Park’s “In the End” (i think that’s what it’s called). above the dance floor there is a big screen that’s playing Reno 911, TMZ and then “Sleepless in Seattle.” we’re also surrounded by thai people whose sexes are indistinguishable with white frat guys hitting on them. i am throughly displeased by all of this. and i go into one of those “i hate everybody” moments when i see these white guys making out with these thai women. one going as far as lifting a girls dress and sticking his hand on her hoo-ha. i get angry b/c it’s people like them that make me super paranoid about STDs and force me to take extra precautions not to get them. oh yeah, like i needed to mention. there always seems to be THAT ONE white guy who dances too hard. he was there. i’m beginning to think it’s the same guy at every club.

anyways. in my pretentious/angry/tired state, our waitress keeps trying to get me to dance. i think she’s being friendly so i kind of dance for about a minute and i sit back down. only to have her try to dance with me again. it’s only after her 4th attempt when i fully grasp what’s going on. i tried to politely refuse her advances by getting up and sitting next to shawn but she keeps coming to my side and putting her arm around me. i am pretty grossed out not b/c she’s gay, but b/c she won’t leave me alone. but mostly b/c she’s not very pretty. i mean, at all. and on our ride back to “our side” of the island, she says to me, in front of everyone. “angerrrrahh, i like youuu.” shawn laughs while i’m crying inside.

drink of the evening: rum, coke and soda.

raw oysters. so good.

(l-r) me, jenna, kanu and shawn at our dinner table by the water.

drunk me.

drunk jenna.

me and shawn on the beach.